Suicide, damn dpression, and statistics
So as the title of the post would suggest, my mood has not picked up as yet and I am sitting in a pit of despair, otherwise known as by bedroom. I have barely left it in weeks and have been spending my days doing my newly acquired hobby: marathon sleeping. I seem to find it difficult to wake up and have been sleeping into the late afternoon and sometimes into the evening, only surfacing to go outside for a cigarette or if my boyfriend provides me with something to eat, he’s nice like that. I feel totally pathetic to tell the truth, I feel like I’m just being lazy but I genuinely cannot seem to wake up, I’m not sure what’s going on but I think that it might be to do with the sodium valproate. When I spoke to the psychiatrist, he said that it may be reacting with the quietiapine I am already taking and making me sleepy so he reduced the quietapine dose but this has had no effect. Honestly, I am on the verge of stopping taking it, it has got that bad.
The other thing making life really difficult at the moment is that my thoughts don’t seem to be going in a straight line. They keep jumping about and its actually quite hard for me to string a sentence together (yes, writing this post is taking a really long time). Its funny but having thought disorder is actually a worse feeling than being suicidal: well maybe equal. The reason it is so bad is that nothing you do seems to come out very well; people can’t understand what you say half the time so you have to keep to short sentences. Writing is also quite a task and takes about ten times the normal time to write anything that makes sense.
My poor mood, excessive sleeping and thought disorder are all causing me some serious problems writing my thesis right now but I think I’m getting to a solution. I have found that sticking to the mathematics, statistics and making up tables, diagrams and graphs has allowed me to make progress in spite of how I’m doing right now in the health department and I guess I’m glad that I have been able to get going again as there’s not long to go now. I have to submit my PhD at the end of April. Wish me luck people!!!
NB: I apologize if any of the above doesn’t make sense