Leaving the crisis team, thank goodness

OK so I have been discharged from the crisis team. Not because I am well or in any way better but because they seem to think that my overall expression of annoyance with them meant that I was getting better. I did not fight the discharge from them as although I am still unwell with consistent invasive thoughts of suicide, visual hallucinations and racing jumbled thoughts, I had had enough of them and their complete inability to do anything that was of any use to me and communicating with them was like playing a rather unfair game of Chinese whispers where whatever I would say or ask for would be either lost or so distorted that it was not worth the effort. It’s not just me, they have been driving my social to distraction also; in some ways I find this comforting as it’s not me that they’re ignoring, they do it to everyone, even the professionals.

So I sat through a discharge meeting where the two people from the crisis team who I had never met before were telling me that my mental state was good enough to be discharged and I just sat there and nodded: well what else was I supposed to do?  To be honest, I would rather see my social worker and consultant once a week than see them every day; It’s not like they are going to be able to stop me from killing myself anyway, if I want to do it I will.

So now I’m back at the CMHT recovery team, which feels much better. I am a very private person and have trouble telling my inner thoughts and feelings to anybody let alone a complete stranger so having a long meeting with the social worker who I have come to trust over the many months I have worked with him tomorrow comes as a welcome relief. There is so much I need to catch up with him on; so many worries that need addressing that have been put off over the past weeks where everything has been at panic stations.