Hallucinations and suicidal thoughts

I am still not feeling good at all. It honestly feels right now like I’m lost out at sea, floating through the days just trying to stay alive.

I am plagued by thoughts of ending my life; these thoughts are strange and feel like they are coming from somewhere that isn’t me. I realize that they are from me but they feel alien: mostly because I can’t seem to control them. Its kind of like having a constant radio going on in your head but you can’t change the station, volume or turn it down. So I’m stuck with these thoughts of suicide in my head, going round and although I try to fight them, it takes up all of my mental effort and I can do little else.

I am also seeing things. The most benign is the “something in the corner of your eye” thing where I see things move at the corner of my vision but when I look there is nothing there. This effect, although it makes me feel jumpy and on edge, it is not as scary as the others. I see blood, on my body, mostly my hands and also on the surroundings. It is very strange and although it is disturbing sometimes I know it is not real and that is perhaps the weird thing about it: that I know its not there. As far as the senses that are involved, I can see it and feel it but I cannot hear it, smell it or taste it (yes I have tried). Finally is the strangest one where its like a flashback but of things that have not happened. I see myself committing suicide, in a flash, just like I am there. This can be anything from watching myself slit my wrist to seeing myself jump in front of a train or off a bridge. This is by far the most disturbing of the three as it does feel real and I am filled with the fear and adrenaline that I am about to die.

I don’t think I can take any more disclosure this evening so I will leave you with one of the most controversial songs ever written and is genuinely regarded as the most depressing songs ever written. Many versions have been released since its original recording in 1935 but the most infamous was by Billy Holiday in 1941. There is a popular urban legend surrounding this song that many people have committed suicide whilst listening to it.

Sunday is gloomy,
My hours are slumberless
Dearest the shadows
I live with are numberless
Little white flowers
Will never awaken you
Not where the black coach of
Sorrow has taken you
Angels have no thought
Of ever returning you
Would they be angry
If I thought of joining you?

Gloomy Sunday

Gloomy is Sunday,
With shadows I spend it all
My heart and I
Have decided to end it all
Soon there’ll be candles
And prayers that are said I know
Let them not weep
Let them know that I’m glad to go
Death is no dream
For in death I’m caressin’ you
With the last breath of my soul
I’ll be blessin’ you

Gloomy Sunday

Dreaming, I was only dreaming
I wake and I find you asleep
In the deep of my heart, dear
Darling I hope
That my dream never haunted you
My heart is tellin’ you
How much I wanted you
Gloomy Sunday