On suicide and crisis resolution

I haven’t updated the blog for quite a while. This is because I am not very well and have been feeling a complete lack of any kind of creativity and have really wanted to hide from the world.

I don’t have time to be unwell; I have a PhD thesis to write. 100,000 words isn’t going to write itself you know. The strange thing is that even in the depths of a depressive episode as I am right now; I still want to complete my PhD. I promised myself I would finish it, that I would get through it and to be honest, despite all the good things I have in my life, it is my PhD that keeps me alive now. I think that this is because I am so incredibly stubborn and if I drop out now, whether by leaving the research or by leaving this world, I will see myself as an utter failure. It might sound strange to you all but when I promise myself I’m going to do something, I am damn well going to do it.

I wonder what will happen when I finish: when I finally get my “title”. What will I do then? Will I end it all as I have nothing left that I want to achieve? That thought really scares me and I do fear what will happen. I guess I will have to find something else that I can strive for, perhaps even something that will make me happy.

OK so time for some brutal honesty…

I am currently under the care of the Crisis Resolution Team (CRT) who come round once a day and talk to me about how my mental health is and supply me with drugs so I don’t go and overdose on medication they are supposed to be prescribing while not taking into account that I have large amounts of opiates in the cupboard which they haven’t gotten rid of: enough in fact to kill me about 20 times over (I’m good at pharmacology). So they come round and expect to hear the gory details of my depressive episode but the thing that makes it really uncomfortable is that you see different people every day, sometimes a complete stranger will ask me the contents of my hallucinations (more later) and my innermost thoughts and feelings which right now, when I am feeling like withdrawing from the world and I am barely to tell my partner what that’s like is a pretty nasty prospect.

The crisis team are also some of the most disorganized people you will ever meet. They don’t seem to know when to order your medication even though it says right there on their goddam chart and I was supposed to have been started on Sodium Valporate two weeks ago and am still waiting for that to materialize.

Ok, so that’s the crisis team. My mental status is currently terrible. My mood is at rock bottom, I am constantly thinking of killing myself and I am getting visual hallucinations which are really frightening and nobody seems to know what to do about.

Overall I’m in the shit

I will try and get up the courage to talk more about everything in more detail in the next couple of days.