I don’t want to juggle glass anymore

I refer you back to what I named this blog, “How to Juggle Glass”. I called it that because that’s what my life feels like: juggling balls made of glass and if (and when) you drop them they all smash on the floor and make a terrible mess that is impossible to put back together.

I feel like I’m standing barefoot surrounded by shattered glass, just staring down at the floor at all the pieces in total confusion of what to do now. I can’t walk away as I’ll shred the bottoms of my feet and I can’t pick it up as I’ll cut my fingers…

Ok that’s enough of my metaphor for now. I feel the worst of the worst. I’m so confused about myself.  I’m trying desperately to find something that will make me happy.

I’m nearing the end of my PhD and I’m petrified that if I don’t go the right way then I’m going to end up with my mood being as unstable as it has for the past few years. I know exactly why it has been that way: I’ve felt solitary as I’m the only psychologist in the building, I have a mental illness and so treated with “caution” and I was bullied for the first two years which all conspired to me not being able to make friends until quite recently. I have felt isolated and misunderstood. Even now that I have a group of friends at work I still feel apart from them, as I am so different in my neuropsychological makeup. Although they try, I don’t think they will ever understand what it is like to be a “crazy person” and all the connotations and consequences that come with that.

So what am I so afraid of? I’m afraid that when I reach the end of my PhD that either…

1. No-one will employ me because I’m crazy

2. I’ll find a job that I hate and I’ll continue to be unwell because I’m unhappy

3. I’ll find a job that I like but everyone will hate me and I’ll be unwell because I’m unhappy

On top of that I really don’t know what I want to do with my life. I don’t know what will make me happy and that’s what makes it so hard. I remember the last time I really went through this: I was 18 and I had been accepted to study fine art at St Martins College. 2 weeks before I was due to go I suddenly got this image of me, the girl who will do anything to fit in, taking drugs and becoming addicted to something, so I decided to decline my place.  After that came a very long period of not knowing: I went through architecture, physics, medicine, radiography, archaeology, chemistry and many more before I settled on doing biomedical science and the funny thing is that even though I did biomed I ended up finding a real love in developmental psychology and behavioural genetics, funny how things work out.  I remember that time of confusion though it was absolute hell. People were pulling me in different directions, trying to get me to do this and that and all the while I just didn’t know what I wanted and I was utterly miserable.

Now there is no one “pulling” me and I feel like I’m adrift with no idea what to do. So many things running round my head that I feel totally overwhelmed by the whole thing. Truth be told, right now I really don’t want to know what the future holds, I’ve had enough, taken enough pain, isolation and sadness for what feels like a lifetime. I know I have people who love and care for me but I just feel like everything is all too much right now.

That’s the crux of the matter right now. I don’t want to be the girl who juggles so many things. I don’t want to juggle spheres of glass any more. I don’t want everything to keep crashing around me and causing me pain. I don’t want any of this any more. I just can’t take it.