Mixed affective episode (mixed state)

So things have gone from bad to worse. My manic episode has turned into a mixed affective episode, which is apparently one of the most confusing and dangerous states in all of psychiatry. I have been assessed by many different doctors, some of whom brought in medical students because I’m “quite interesting”. So far I have been left at home under the crisis team who are to put it politely: a waste of time.

I had another assessment today and they still don’t know what to with me. I have asked if there is anything that I can do to make the state that I’m in any better but no one has any answers. The best that anyone can do is to load me up with large amounts of valium in the hope of minimising my symptoms.

It has been a total nightmare, I am manic, so full of energy and want to be constantly doing something but at the same time I’m getting depressive thoughts about harming and killing myself and because I’m very impulsive because of the mania I am likely to do something stupid.

Yesterday I travelled across London to see my old supervisor and things started getting bad on my way back. I got off the tube at oxford circus with the intention of spending lots of money (I’ve already spent all my money in similar ways). I don’t know how I managed it but I got back on the tube and went home, but when I got back I went to the corner shop and bought a bottle of vodka. I took a big glug of the vodka but managed to spit it out and throw away the bottle (I should add that I have had alcohol problems). When I got back to the flat I felt so distraught and grabbed the scalpel from my drawer and pressed it against my skin, willing myself to end it all.  Luckily my partner rang me just after that and I managed to calm down.

That night a fight erupted between my partner and myself and I really lost it, I became acutely violent. We are both covered in bruises and my partner has a sprained ankle. It got so bad I tried to jump out the window but he pulled me back. He threatened to call the police but we settled for ringing the crisis team who said that they couldn’t come and see us until the morning. Things calmed down after that, I took some valium and went to bed.  The weirdest thing is that my partner tells me that I said some awful things but I don’t remember much, just the massive sense of anger at him.  I am worried by this as I’m not an aggressive person, it’s totally unlike me to behave in this way and it makes me realise how sick I really am.

A mixed state is one of the worst things I’ve experienced and I don’t know how much longer I can cope with it.