Feeling really depressed

I’m feeling really on edge. I managed to make it into uni yesterday but I had to come home as I really was feeling the pressure.

I have had quite a lot of lorazepam which is making me feel a little better.

The social worker came round yesterday and made me feel much better. It was good to talk to him about how I’ve been feeling like hurting myself and have strong feelings of suicide. This made me feel a lot better as he didn’t freak out and put me in the hospital. He thinks that I can get better at home and manage to get through this without an admission.

Today I didn’t go in to uni on the recommendation of the social worker and I’m glad. I did manage to make it to the pharmacy to pick up my meds and then did a little shopping in Westfield. I didn’t buy much, just new jeans and a new top. I really wasn’t in the mood for a shopping spree (thank goodness).

My mood is very low and I can’t seem to get the thought of killing myself out of my mind. I have no specific plans but I don’t think that I can go through this again.  The depression is too much to take and I don’t want to go through it again.

I also have thoughts about harming myself, I have thoughts that go round and round in my head that I deserve punishing and so I should cut myself. This doesn’t help the feelings of suicide and makes them worse.

My thoughts are rushing through my head at an enormous speed and its difficult to keep up with them and concentrate on anything. I’m really not very well at the moment. I’m worried that I will have to go into hospital.

I’m seeing the GP again tomorrow, maybe that will help.