Back to the PhD

Today was my second day back at university after my “minor hiccup”.

Going back to work after an illness is hard but going back after spending time off with a psychiatric illness is even harder. The people who work closely with me are all fully aware of my mental health problems but its difficult to know what to say to people who don’t know about it.  People have good intentions in asking why I’ve been away for the past few weeks but what am I supposed to say? I didn’t have the guts to say the truth to most people; I just told them that I had the flu.

Why don’t I have the balls to come out and say the truth: “I was in a psychiatric hospital because I was agitated, depressed and suicidal”. It sounds so easy doesn’t it? But I can’t seem to bring myself to say the words.  I think I’m embarrassed of myself: that I can be so vulnerable to having these episodes.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to tell everyone the truth about what I’m going through when I become unwell, but for now I guess I’ll have to settle for lying,  just so I can feel comfortable around people in the office and not like some kind of freak.