From the hospital part II

Hello from the psychiatric ward! I won’t tell you which one but I can say that it is thoroughly crap. This is one of the worst places in the world to be. There is nothing to do all day except drink tea and coffee and watch TV.

Today my ward is being “deep cleaned” so they have put us on another ward which happens to be for the elderly. There is even less to do here and there are no sofas or comfy chairs to sit on so I am getting really agitated. I was sat on the floor for a couple of hours, as these chairs are sticky, plasticised and stiff. I would give anything for a nice sofa right now! I have taken some tranquilisers (diazepam and haloperidol) to help me settle but this place is really frustrating. I can’t even go out for a cigarette or a walk, it’s a piece of crap really.

My mood is however much better. I don’t feel suicidal any more which is a bonus I guess but my thoughts are still racing through my head and I am still hearing voices, which is not good. I am also quite agitated and just feel like I’d like to go and run for miles to work off all this weird frustration that I’m feeling. The agitation might be due to feeling like I am a prisoner here or maybe its part of my illness.

Right now I want nothing more than to lie down on my bed and have a nap but I can’t as the cleaners are on the ward, so I am stuck in this uncomfortable lounge listening to my ipod and typing away this blog post to hopefully make me feel a little saner.

I can see people on the street outside the window. They don’t know how lucky they are to be going about their daily business, free to come and go as they please. I realise that I put myself in here, but that doesn’t get rid of the feeling of entrapment and frustration. I saw the doctor yesterday. He said that I might be able to go home on Friday so I guess that’s something to look forward to. Hopefully I’ll have only two more days to deal with this place.

I really want to go home. I miss my Mr so much. It must be hard for him to see me in here. I can’t even imagine what it must be like. In my decisions I always need to take his feelings and opinions into account because it’s not just my life I’m dealing with but his as well. I really hope that I can pull through this and get my life back on track. I am determined to beat this and to start living my life properly, get back to and finish my PhD and to get rid of this horrible illness permanently.