Suicide: my truth

I have an unstable mood and can in a matter of minutes to hours plummet into a psychological darkness that feels utterly inescapable.

When this happens I feel overwhelmed by the whole world. My thoughts race in my head, make very little sense and cause considerable mental anguish.  When this happens, I feel I like I would do anything to stop it.  I just want to stop thinking because it hurts too much.  It is in that state that I can start to think about suicide as a viable option to stop the pain that is going on in my head.  At these times I feel so desperate.

It’s a hard thing to admit to, but there are many times in my life when I have wanted to end it all and have lost all hope.  I have actually tried to kill myself 3 times.

The problem is that I know the darkness will happen again.  I feel haunted by this thought and even when I am not feeling low, it follows me around like my shadow. I am a ticking bomb, waiting for the next explosion: waiting for the pain to come back again.

Even at my most rational, the thought of suicide is with me.  Sometimes I wonder, what is the point?  Why do I continue pushing myself to get a PhD when I’m just going to end up in pain again?  Am I ever going to be free?

This is the inescapable conundrum that I face every day.  I am constantly weighing up whether it is worth carrying on, if my life is worth it and indeed if I am worth it.