Suicide: my truth
I have an unstable mood and can in a matter of minutes to hours plummet into a psychological darkness that feels utterly inescapable.
When this happens I feel overwhelmed by the whole world. My thoughts race in my head, make very little sense and cause considerable mental anguish. When this happens, I feel I like I would do anything to stop it. I just want to stop thinking because it hurts too much. It is in that state that I can start to think about suicide as a viable option to stop the pain that is going on in my head. At these times I feel so desperate.
It’s a hard thing to admit to, but there are many times in my life when I have wanted to end it all and have lost all hope. I have actually tried to kill myself 3 times.
The problem is that I know the darkness will happen again. I feel haunted by this thought and even when I am not feeling low, it follows me around like my shadow. I am a ticking bomb, waiting for the next explosion: waiting for the pain to come back again.
Even at my most rational, the thought of suicide is with me. Sometimes I wonder, what is the point? Why do I continue pushing myself to get a PhD when I’m just going to end up in pain again? Am I ever going to be free?
This is the inescapable conundrum that I face every day. I am constantly weighing up whether it is worth carrying on, if my life is worth it and indeed if I am worth it.