On alcohol

Alcohol and I have never been the best of friends. Once I get the taste of it, I will generally drink until I pass out, vomit or get thrown out of the drinking establishment. Not a good relationship.

I think the main problem is my impulsivity, which causes me enough problems when sober (excessive spending etc – for another time), but once I have a drink, there is no stopping me and I can get into some serious trouble.

The last straw came about 4 months ago after I had been at a party, drinking heavily and having a lovely time.  When I got home my mood plummeted and the world went bleak.  Because of the alcohol I was unable to control what was going on inside my head and I did something I really regret: I slit my wrist.  Luckily I was ok (after 7 stitches), but it could have easily gone horribly wrong.

Now I don’t drink at all. Sometimes it’s hard, especially when everyone is drinking and having a laugh.  I really wish that I could just go out for a few drinks and have a nice time, just like everybody else, but not drinking at all is the only way I can be sure that I wont end up in an extremely dangerous position again.

When people ask me why I don’t drink any more, it can be difficult to explain. Most of my friends are aware of my problems and tend to adopt a ‘don’t ask’ policy.  However, when you tell someone who you don’t know that well that you don’t drink, they tend to think that you are either extremely boring, or an alcoholic; of which I am neither.  I really don’t have a ‘get out’ for this situation, but I guess its better to be considered boring than to risk your life for the sake of fitting in.

Most of the time I don’t miss alcohol, but there are still times when I would love a nice pint of lager and a little voice in my head says “it’ll be OK, no-one will know”, but I have to resist, for the sake of my health and sanity.